It's been a month since we broke up. Are you stalking my blog too?..How are you?.. What are you doing?.. I miss asking all these questions to do that symbolized that we cared about each other. Now no more.
Today would have been our 51st month together, but no. I know of some of the things you did and you didn't tell me. I fought very hard myself to forgive you for doing those. Why would you have to lie to me, when I never would have done such a thing to you? Never mind, you found more happiness and I found sorrow. I told people now I'm fine, but deep down I'm still hoping that you would return. If I said I've moved on, doesn't mean I will be okay for the next few years. If I said I've let you go, doesn't mean I've gotten over you. You left me alone, back in the darkness of where I used to dwell. I was cold and alone. But I'm sure, you somehow felt the same way too.
I wish we could have worked things out, but you were tired. I wish when you were that tired, I could have been your bed to sleep on, to cradle you like a baby..I can't even type baby now without feeling a tremendous heartbreak. I wished I hugged you and kissed you before I left the airport, so you could have remembered that sense of longing, but I was stupid and agreed with you that we shouldn't because I didn't wanna see you cry. When I left, you just looked to your left and held back your tears, the exact same way you did on Skype when I had my final talk with you.
You say as you recover, your feelings are fading for me. Has it completely faded? How can true love disappear..But, mine has never, disappeared. I can't bring myself to stop finding you. Instagram, where I'm seeing some of the most painful things. Your blog, which your latest photo was in somebody's passenger seat, I don't wanna imagine who the driver was. Plus you have removed the swing, and now the banner photos of us. Friends for Sale, where we first met. Yet each time I bring myself to your profile and I feel the heartbreak and I am forced to close it immediately every time your music started playing. That's why I said, I cannot bring myself to accept being just friends with you when every little thing I do reminds me of you. That's why you wanted didn't you? To think of you everything I do. Now it's biting me back so hard.
What was the real reason you left me? Too many circumstances have come to lead me to believe that the answer is still hidden in you. You said it was painful to say this to me: I don't want to say this, but I hope God sends you the right girl, and it will be your last. If it isn't about feelings, if you have been done with me. Why would it have hurt? Was the long distance finally reaching your limit? You had to find refuge and comfort within someone closer to you that you were willing to finally drop 4 years of everything? This time, I wasn't there, physically, when it happened. I didn't have any opportunity to even try to save it. But, I know you'll disagree saying that I had over 4 years to help improve. I'm sorry.
I know regardless of whatever I do now, I cannot redeem myself for your pain you suffered. I just thought our love was strong enough, but..it wasn't. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Phil 4:13". It was on the other side of this paper in the box that you gave me me before I left Malaysia..
See, the light is still working. Still burning on, at least mine is. You have given your heart to me, and I have given mine to you. Have you, taken it back forever... If you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength, would he give you the strength to help you and me recover this broken relationship together? Because I'm letting him.
Please, my one and only, lovely God given Joey,...come back...
Hello guys,
It's been like, almost a year since I blogged. This place used to be my home, my refuge. Most of you when you met me, I'd bet you don't even know this blog existed. My older friends however, do.
Also, it's been a year since I arrived in the USA. Many new changes and opportunities surfaced. I grasped each and every one of them. I was happy. It felt like my past life was preparing me for this gracious moment. For the first time ever as well, my grades were on high grounds. I am now treasurer of the Badminton club, I am in the casting crew of EpicGamingTelevision. I am experiencing snow. I busked on the streets playing piano and earned cold hard cash. I got to meet so many new people I thought I'd never be able to.
Just when I thought I had everything, I was beginning to lose sight of what's most important. It's ironic, to be the one always alert of surroundings, to be the one that always remind people of what's important. I'm just a hypocrite. I ushered in the new year of 2014 without any resolutions. Why you may ask? Simple, because I just wanted to go with the flow like who I am, and get the year done with. One of my resolutions I should have made, was to be closer with the people I care most.
Recently I have re-watched the entire episodes of The Law of Ueki. It is an anime that really shows the bonding of friendship and justice. Which made me question myself, what is my justice? Have I done justice to show people that my failures in the past have sprung me to achieve what I am now today? Or is it showing revenge to the people in the past who mocked me for who I was before? I don't know.
I think, my own justice failed. I failed to justify what was important to me. Look at the right, you see that girl? That's the girl I fell in love with more than 4 years ago. She was beautiful, and she still is. She was a small little girl, naive and gullible. I love her, till today. What you might not know is, we're in a very, very, very long distance relationship. She's grown up now, I molded her into someone strong. Similar to how I was molded, being strong, independent. I may have paid the ultimate price, to watch her grow. I regret now I did not give her enough time as she would have hoped for, breaking her heart in places I've never known. And to say all I wanted to do was give her happiness, that's fucking bullshit.
Now, she is given time to think for herself. I just feel her slipping away from me, slowly. This is her first, true, love. I have given her everything to be expected of true love. I didn't want to give false love and screw up her first love. Have I expected too much of her in return? This is my third real relationship. The worst thing that can happen to you is going wrong in places you didn't realize. To add on to that, it might be too late. What I have done for these 4 years, are they going to be in vain? I don't know. I am inadequate, I am just naive myself. Probably destined to be successful in things that don't matter to me, and fail in the things that are most important to me.
I'm sorry. You deserve someone better that could give you the attention you need. I want to be that guy, but I failed. When I looked for you, and you told me you chose to be alone instead and didn't want me, you destroyed me. Is it too late? Have you fully grown up, where there is no more little girl in you for me to sayang? I love you, and I love you forever. I am a man of my word. Unless, you are finished with me, like how every other girl was, that I loved.
..transmission complete..
