Today would have been our 51st month together, but no. I know of some of the things you did and you didn't tell me. I fought very hard myself to forgive you for doing those. Why would you have to lie to me, when I never would have done such a thing to you? Never mind, you found more happiness and I found sorrow. I told people now I'm fine, but deep down I'm still hoping that you would return. If I said I've moved on, doesn't mean I will be okay for the next few years. If I said I've let you go, doesn't mean I've gotten over you. You left me alone, back in the darkness of where I used to dwell. I was cold and alone. But I'm sure, you somehow felt the same way too.
I wish we could have worked things out, but you were tired. I wish when you were that tired, I could have been your bed to sleep on, to cradle you like a baby..I can't even type baby now without feeling a tremendous heartbreak. I wished I hugged you and kissed you before I left the airport, so you could have remembered that sense of longing, but I was stupid and agreed with you that we shouldn't because I didn't wanna see you cry. When I left, you just looked to your left and held back your tears, the exact same way you did on Skype when I had my final talk with you.
You say as you recover, your feelings are fading for me. Has it completely faded? How can true love disappear..But, mine has never, disappeared. I can't bring myself to stop finding you. Instagram, where I'm seeing some of the most painful things. Your blog, which your latest photo was in somebody's passenger seat, I don't wanna imagine who the driver was. Plus you have removed the swing, and now the banner photos of us. Friends for Sale, where we first met. Yet each time I bring myself to your profile and I feel the heartbreak and I am forced to close it immediately every time your music started playing. That's why I said, I cannot bring myself to accept being just friends with you when every little thing I do reminds me of you. That's why you wanted didn't you? To think of you everything I do. Now it's biting me back so hard.
What was the real reason you left me? Too many circumstances have come to lead me to believe that the answer is still hidden in you. You said it was painful to say this to me: I don't want to say this, but I hope God sends you the right girl, and it will be your last. If it isn't about feelings, if you have been done with me. Why would it have hurt? Was the long distance finally reaching your limit? You had to find refuge and comfort within someone closer to you that you were willing to finally drop 4 years of everything? This time, I wasn't there, physically, when it happened. I didn't have any opportunity to even try to save it. But, I know you'll disagree saying that I had over 4 years to help improve. I'm sorry.
I know regardless of whatever I do now, I cannot redeem myself for your pain you suffered. I just thought our love was strong enough, but..it wasn't. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Phil 4:13". It was on the other side of this paper in the box that you gave me me before I left Malaysia..
See, the light is still working. Still burning on, at least mine is. You have given your heart to me, and I have given mine to you. Have you, taken it back forever... If you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength, would he give you the strength to help you and me recover this broken relationship together? Because I'm letting him.
Please, my one and only, lovely God given Joey,...come back...
